Keith and The Girl

"Finally a Canadian I hate."

"I shit my pants out of choice."

"We say that to our ladies and horses."

"There's too many cameras. You're fuckin' me. You're dead."

"You don't even have to kill people to make a difference."

"You beat your horse gay!"

"I learned it's fun to let other people learn."

"Tonight we settle all family fuckin' debts"

"They're gonna analyze the video and find out who farted and fire them."

"Your son has autism. And only your beautiful tits can save him."

"We are no longer friends."

"I'm very logical. I'm scientific. I will break you down. I'm mathematical."

"I messed up. I didn't slash the."

"I'd date the shit outta you, Patrice."

"Do you think after Chemda and I break up the show can still work?"

"Do we have to be naked?"

"I gotta say, between your mouth and your hairy bush..."

"A handicap ain't got nothin' on me."

"Who can think of 9/11 at a time like this?"

"Brother Love, why did you tell her? It was supposed to be a secret."

"There's no such thing as in a good way with a hippie."

"There's radio shows all over the fuckin' dial. Who gives a shit?"

"Is it a hard thing for you guys to bring your own chair? BYOC."

"He made me into his balls."

"Every time I said, 'show me titties,' I saw titties."

"What came first: the bully or the nerd?"

www.KATG.com/live

"Who says that? I think the Devil says that. I think that's the only person that says that."

"Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map."

"And I'll tell you this: It will not be podsafe."

"Are you a retard, or am I an asshole?"

"That's why this and my brother should both be in jail."

"She looks like sucky sucky dollar."

"Let me feel single in this porta potty."

"And then we got naked and put something in me."

"'I can't believe you shared this.' Well you shouldn't have done it!"

"On bringing uh... uh... liquid refreshment: no liquor, no wine, no beer in any form."

"I see what you're doing, Keith. Don't do it."

"Jail did not tame you, and I like to see that!"

"Why would I go into a situation where I'm kind of surprised I wasn't arrested?"

"And these people are watching you on your knees?"

"People don't understand my trials!"

"Your marshmallow fat fuck is getting too big! Calm down!"

"She's jerking you off with her shin?"

"The maggots eat away the diseases and your penis."

"It's like Keith and I went to like a marriage counseling weekend."

"I'm not a whore, you bastard!"

"Ain't nobody in this room Voldemort. Own it."

"Alright this is it. Parked my car. I wish everyone who ever was nice to me well. See you in the next life."

"Admit to yourself you're powerless."

"Don't you know that Keith is sensitive?"

"You just picture 'em walkin' around that whole country like dummies."

"Tyrone pissed in the bed last night."

"Aughh, I don't want that bony hug."

"Great news for members of PodShow."

"I swear to God if I see you guys make out again..."

"Everybody caught a case of ninth grade."

"Rhian, did I kiss you?"

"Not a nicer fuckin' country."

KATG.com/live

"Nobody was thinking about you, Keith Malley."

"There's just nothing nice that come out of these fuckin' throats."

"I wasn't walking around like an ape throwing shit, was I?"

"Behave! Behave, Matthew!"

"If I'm the classiest bitch of upstate New York then that's fuckin' sad."

"Take out your dictionary, get your wine, and buttfuck each other."

"Pussy has an amazing way of changing your point of view."

"You were gonna kill yourself if I didn't take you back. What was going through your head?"

"You had me balls deep, but God forbid I touched your hair."

"Whatever she got is stronger than herpes."

"'Suck my dick' means you may suck my dick at best."

"I don't think anything is too far."

"This is a doublewide, baby."

"I'm having trouble hearing you ladies with all that bum dick in your mouth."

"I don't know if you know this, but some women are C U Next TuesdayS."

"All that needs edited out."

"I guess she can just hand us the money and then drop his pants."

"Can I call out the bitch who fuckin' turned me in?"

"You broke out the Keith Malley Asshole Tone."

"Dicks throw me. Constantly."

"Is this the guy's way of sizing us up?"

"I can't help you. You did the Chicken Dance."

"You lose if you're all Cranky Bitchy McBitch."

"Your ovaries will fall out your mouth."

"Well hurry up, I gotta rape you."

"You're goofy and stupid and you're not on my side ever because you're such a dummy dumb and you get high all the time."

"If you think it's cool to spread and encourage this wave of misogyny then best of luck to you."

"Please don't repeat this on the show."

"Don't escalate me. "

"That's what you do when a Dee is right there."

"Can't wait for your spin-off show, Dummy."

"When in doubt I reference my vagina."

"'Where you goin'?' 'To fuck your friend. Good times and bad times...'"

"Anyone who talks to me like that is getting talked to exactly the same way back. So prepare yourself if you want that to be our relationship."

"Sex after anything cures it. Come on."

"And if you don't like that, sir, you can eat out my inner asshole."

"I don't know with these clowns."

"I don't know these clowns."

"Another podcast first?"

"You're gonna be performing your face in a pillow."

"I'm supposed to be doing this stuff in private."

"I get upset sometimes. I get upset sometimes..."

"He screwed her up the stage; he screwed her down the stage."

"i was wondering if you would let me interview you two, its for a school project, it wont take long, ill just send you30-40 questions, and you'll send them back to me, with all the answers:D"

"You walk around acting like I can fuck you. That's all you do."

"You've been Phone Snapped!"

"Chemda has what they call emotions."

"We got a special guest: Dumby Dunce that'll just sit here all day."

"Try to make money, and have a nice life. That's all I can tell you. We're all doomed."

"Don't give us shit. Make me earn shit."

69: The Girl On Vicodin (June 8 05) Keith creates a new robot-resistance movement. (7:30 to 9:00) 82: America We Stand As One (June 27 05) Interview with the great Dennis USA Madalone. (2:00 to 32:00) 83: USA All The Way (June 28 05) More HUAR news, including the MapQuest diversion theory. (15:15 to 17:45) Dennis Madalone redux and email responses. (2:00 to 8:45) 81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) More robots in the news. Keep laughing, meat puppets. The Japanese and Hentai porn. (8:30 to 22:30) America We Stand As One by Dennis Madalone

81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) Keith's dad and his many, oh, lets call them eccentricities. (22:30 to 45:00) 59: Fuck a Title Wednesday (May 25 05) International basketball, Ethiopian cuisine, and Keith helps an ex as she runs the marathon. (8:15 to 19:30) 67: Stupid Money (June 6 05) Keith works at an old age home. (35:00 to 50:00) Calling it In (June 1 05) Keith gets some underwear for Christmas (27:00 to 39:00, with edits) 48: Lying, Dying (May 10, 05) Parents and cussin'. (7:45 to 16:30) 80: Gaylordy Lordy (June 23 05) Chemda and Patrice share stories of past loves and/or abusers. Keith reminisces about his school days and his insult book. (BEGIN to 12:00)

74: The Greatest Generation (June 15 '05) Chemda does a clown job at a VA hospital barbecue. (BEGIN to 8:30) 52: Working From Home (May 16 '05) Keith witnesses a major confrontation at a kid's party, and almost creams himself. (58:00 to 1:09:00) 66: Pain Is Good (June 3 '05) Chemda has to answer to a 10 year-old at her party. These little fuckin' bitches. (20:00 to 23:30) 54: Free Porn (May 18 '05) Chemda gets a post-party complaint, and the genesis of A-B porn is documented. (26:00 to 43:00) 57: Mommy & Me, DAMMIT! (May 23 '05) Keith, Curious George, a psychotic mom, and an assload of half-dead butterflies. (29:30 to 52:00)

76: How To F*** (June 17 '05) Chemda and her brother, Michael, regale each other with stories of innocence and beauty. Count the number of times Michael says âtwat." (4:45 to 56:30) 56: voodoolulu (May 20 '05) Lulu's "masturbation odyssey." Frankly, she's way more talented than this. (12:30 to 28:45, 40:00 to 58:45)

71: Danny Yale's Mom is a Bad Parent (June 10 '05) - Chemda goes coo-coos McGoos over her food-packed gum-holes. (15:30 to 23:30) 72: Jackson Free, Ricans Jailed (June 13 '05) - Puerto Rican Day Parade blotter, more dental mirth, and mental dearth. (12:15 to 24:50) 78: Grooming: Not Just For Queers (June 21 '05) - A news story about a stabbing at Chuck E.'s leads into a discussion about man-grooming. Chemda recounts her recent root canal. (9:10 to 42:20) 79: When News Hits Home (June 22 '05) - Keith admits defeat at the hands of email, crime in the city, and the family dynamic in times of crisis. (34:15 to 56:00)

49: DJ Quad (May 11 '05) - Prophetically, Keith injures his finger and learns what disability feels like. Then they talk to a real cripple. (BEGIN to 26:00) 58: Faking the Funk (May 24 '05) - Chemda and Keith lay into a podcast called "Israelisms" (surprisingly enough, still around) that think they, like others, can talk shit and still remain friendly. (15:00 to 28:00) 47: Fuck Paris Hilton (May 9 '05) - A brutal critique of the short-lived (thank Christ) Paris Podcast and, by association, the PodShow creeps who ate it up with painted-on grins. (BEGIN to 23:00) 65: What's in a Name (June 2 '05) - The seriosos dine with a pseudo-designer anger-fuck ex of Keith's, and the claws of Chemda are bared. Patrice details the delicacies of hooker-bookin'. (BEGIN to 16:00)

"This is from the New York City Police Department. And how do you know Keith?"

"Eat this you giant tree trunk piece of ass!"

"We would rather be addicted to the most powerful heroin than be fucked by this old motherfucker."

"I think Keith's first DVD broke up my relationship."

"I've got a weapon in Central Park I gotta go pick up."

"Lick balls. Hope for the best."

"I'm not racist. Look how dark my girlfriend's skin is."

"There is a divine blessing for brumski."

"A-no-no-no! A-no-no-no! Welcome to New York City, Keith!"

"Actually your boobies are some of the nicest boobies I've ever seen."

"Brumski's the knew way we do business."

"That's what I did. That's what I did. I can live with that."

"Do you do that with people you fake don't like? We had something, you fake fuck!"

"Deuce wants to have an old Israeli sit-down with me, and that concerns me."

"You don't call a girl a faggot, Homo."

"Keith and The Girl will get his penis. I guarantee it. I promise you."

"Now are you on Keith and The Girl's side? Now are you? Ridiculous."

"Pod-people don't play nice with each other."

"I get to see the Keith and Chemda that a lot of people don't get to see. And it's lovely, don't get me wrong. But..."

"War is delightful. Yeah, to those that haven't yet experienced it."

"I'm not startin' a fight..."

"What a table of not nice people, including your wife, dude."

"There's your fuckin' freedom of speech!"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Now say that again in slower."

"Can you understand why people would be homophobic?

"If you dare call my shit a monkeybox..."

"I'll tell you what: I beat you, and I would like you to call in the show and just admit that I am very very smart."

"My penis is digital."

"I'd like to kill myself and then get it back."

"If you won the bajillion dollar lottery, would you still do the show?"

"I can't love you this much and you not give a fuck."

"And don't you dare go, 'What's the big deal?' If you don't know, then you're a fuckin' idiot!"

"Liar, liar, liar with your pants on fire - always goin' back on your word."

"There are no secrets. Only information you don't yet have."

"Daily downloads of all their shows combined - all their shows combined at PodShow.com..."

www.KATG.com/live

"Secret notebooks and lies. Y'all got a good thing goin' here."

"You have Brumski; I have Chamsa."

"You're not that important. You're gonna be alive again tomorrow."

"Now go get your cane, Little Baby Faggot."

"I need Jesus to help me deal with you."

"I'm not underage, but I'm a whore."

"I swoop on suckers like an eagle not a sparrow."

"No, balls smell good sometimes."

"That's really gross. That's really the end of time."

"I woulda really had the dick in the box. Who's gonna know?"

"Why can't I think of anything but eat shit?"

"Is any of this your problem? I'm just curious if that's your problem."

"I don't wanna be in a foxhole with some bullshit knight."

"Keith, just tell me what to do. I can't function."

"You come from a long line of fucked up."

"They wake up and piss their bed in your house? No. Sideline ho."

"That's a stupid point though, and you know that."

"This is what ethnics are like. They're just like, 'WAAAH!'"

"We do Internet stuff now."

"I don't have fuckin' time to keep you down. Who the fuck has time to keep your stupid-ass down?"

"It's all in your head. They take like a bucket of nothing and don't dump it on you."

"I'll drink his cat piss for a good pleasant conversation."

"I'll do anything now. I don't give a fuck if I get fired."

"And by the way nothin's real. I made all that up."

"I eat your hate like love grenades."

"It doesn't matter how cool of a chick you are; you don't need a show about your not boyfriend."

"If you were my wife I'd divorce you for sayin' that!"

"Patrice, have you had intercourse?"

"I can't believe I'm here on such an important day."

"KeithandTheGirl.com/donate. We know what all of you did."

"No family supports any of that bullshit."

"...and my grandmother walked in and took the doll away."

"Keith wants to feel normal again. Quick, somebody admit it."

"Life's a big lollipop to mechanics."

"Happy New Year, _______!"

- Segment #1 March 16, 2005 - Episode 8: "Clowning Around" (approx. 00:24 to 25:00) With Andrea: The three swap clowning stories and set the stage for all working malcontents everywhere. - Segment #2 March 21, 2005 - Episode 11: "A Bad Day At Work" (approx. 01:18 to 22:15) Chemda does a clown job in Hell's tenement. - Segment #3 March 27, 2005 - Episode 16: "Easter Spectacular - Easter Bunny and The Gay Cruise" (approx. 33:20 to 54:00) K & C go on a gay cruise. - Segment #4 April 11, 2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype" (approx. 3:50 to 21:25) Keith does a clown job for an Indian family and learns an important lesson about world culture and diversity. No, he doesn't. I'm just fucking with you.

- Segment #1 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 3:50 to 15:45) With Patrice: Yep, THAT story. Plus, the first KATG discussion of the scourge that is glitter. - Segment #2 April 27, 2005 - Episode 38: "Click Here, Mom!" (approx. 25:40 to 52:20) Chemda sneaks the parents' car out, Keith shoplifts, crashes into a fence, and tries insurance fraud. Keith tries his hand at deejaying, Chemda laments growing up female in a Jewish household, and more tales of juvenile delinquency. -Segment #3 April 15, 2005 - Episode 31: "Jingles All The Way" (approx. 23:40 to 34:40) Patrice and Chemda get arrested. - Segment #4 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 31:30 to 47:25) With Patrice: Lesbian experimentation, bachelorette parties, strippers, fucked-up party pranks, fightin' and what to do when the police come knocking.

- Segment #1 April 6, 2005 - Episode 24: "I'll Find You, John Petrie" (approx. 23:00 to 54:00) K & C swap roommate horror stories, including the now infamous Messrs. John DeForest Petrie and One-Eyed Davis. Great drug stories, too. The good old-fashioned rock, indeed. - Segment #2 April 7, 2005 - Episode 25: "The Relationship Hour" (approx. 21:50 to 44:32) How Keith met Davis, the paradigm shift of ex-roommates and ex-seriosi to "just friends," and more on the origins of our favorite podcasting couple. - Segment #3 April 21, 2005 - Episode 35: "Retard Rundown" (approx. 9:30 to 25:20) With Patrice: a gossip item about Natasha Lyonne leads into more fun with Ol' One-Eye, state-of-the art apartment trashing and the resulting legal woes, and Chemda & Patrice swap stories on their experiments with artificial joy. - Segment #4 April 25, 2005 - Episode 37: "School Up In Ya" (approx. 18:40 to 23:05) More fucking with Obi-Wan-Eye Davis.

- Segment #1 March 30, 2005 - Episode 19: "Baby's First Phone Call" (approx. 17:00 to 41:00) More on stand-up comics, bringer shows, contest scams, and more leading up to the taping of Keith's second CD, "Children's Party Songs." - Segment #2 April 4, 2005 - Episode 22: "Mitch Hedberg, Hippies, And The Pope" (approx. 26:30 to 36:30) A meeting with Sal. - Segment #3 April 18, 2005 - Episode 32: "Ginny (Guinea?) My Clothes Already" (approx. 12:30 to 38:40) Post-taping wrap-up.

- SEGMENT #1  April 11,  2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype"  (approx. 37:55 to 48:45)  Surf Reality stories, the nature of drug-inspired performance art, Feminism, the ex-roommates of Chemda, and the desperate measures a comic can take to win back a crowd. - SEGMENT #2  April 5, 2005 - Episode 23: "Pay Your Fuckin' Tab" (approx. begin to 19:45)  Movie and dinner with a cheap friend of a friend.  Dating tactics, group dining, and the awkward beginnings of K & C as a couple. - SEGMENT #3  March 23, 2005 - Episode 13: "The Pat O'Brien Phone Sex Tapes" (approx. 16:30 to 29:00)  Keith talks with Chemda about his approach to stand-up comedy, their disdain for "bringer" shows, and the drudgery that pursuing a successful career in comedy can lead to eventually. - SEGMENT #4  April 20, 2005 - Episode 34: "Singers Wanted" (approx. 33:00 to 38:10)  Trivia with Keet. - SEGMENT #5  May 3, 2005 - Episode 43: "Ghetto Clue" (approx. 42:50 to 51:20)  Keith on the state of comedy: D.L. Hughley, repeating jokes, going to comedy special tapings and warm-up comics. - SEGMENT #6  April 28, 2005 - Episode 40: "Threats And Blessings" (approx. 25:45 to 27:30)  Friend of a friend revisited with Patrice on back-up.

- Segment #1 March 27, 2005 - Episode 16: "Easter Spectacular and the Gay Cruise" (approx. 00:30 to 17:00) Discussion of Keith and Chemda's families, religious upbringings, and eventually breaking away from their respective faiths. They talk about their experiences with each other's houses of worship, and Keith recounts a relationship with a landlord/clergyman that gets a little too close for comfort. - Segment #2 April 8, 2005 - Episode 26: "Oy To The Vey" (approx. 26:20 to 35:00) Chemda avenges an injustice by calling an evil party entertainment agency under false pretenses. This leads into a large conversation about Jews and Jewish customs, Keith and Chemda's families, and the pressures of becoming an adult. They call Charlie and Josà to swap restaurant stories, which devolves into guy-talk: chicks and booze. - Sement #3 April 13, 2005 - Episode 29: "Documentary Do's and Don'ts" (approx. 16:20 to 24:15) Chemda walks in on Keith having some quality time, and they talk about masturbation. - Segment #4 April 8, 2005 - Episode 26: "Oy To The Vey" (approx. 56:00 to 1:04:00) Chemda calls Fun Factory again.

"Fuck you. And you know who you are."

"By the end it will just be Keith in a room. With a mic and a palm pilot."

"In 2007: Fuck everybody."

"This missile brought to you by KATG.com and USAF AMMO"

"You don't get to be the asshole 'cause you were born that way. We all get to be the asshole."

"How's that for a break?"

"'Cause they seem like a couple right now! Girls, are you with me?"

"God deliberately made us so that when sick shit happens to us when we're young we don't remember."

"Hate 'em for being the equivalent of me breaking into your house and wiping a strange 12-foot dick across your neck."

"This is like Keepin' It Real Take 2."

"Whoa. A lot a fuckin' demands for bein' a heifer, honey."

"She perks up when she hears the phrase 'tits were workin''."

"Then you can write it on your Taste Chart how that girl was."

"Me and every black rapper - are you kidding? You don't know us."

"Still, I want them to know, it only takes an apology."

"There's no way to fuckin' win, old man!"

"Happy birthday; let's break up as an experiment."

"Just keep readin' your newspaper headlines. It's doin' ya fuckin' wonders."

"It reminded me of the kind of stuff that 6 and 7-year-old boys tell each other in the bathroom."

"You're weird. That is stupi-creepy."

"We all have to behave in a way that's better than what comes naturally to us."

"Maybe you sign a waiver in case you hit somebody in the face."

"Disney isn't liquoring me up to get through this bullshit another day."

"You're the one who asked, asshole!"

"Who's not a priest now? You're welcome!"

"Spooky Manifesto: he's lookin' for ladies."

"Anyway, thanks for your poo story."

"Everybody knows at this point I get killed."

"Let's open up the air mattress and sleep under the kitchen table like the celebrities we are."

www.KATG.com/live

"Now it's premeditated. You will go to jail."

"They fuckin' ride horses and hit a dead goat's head around!"

"Oh you're one of them? Go fuck yourself!"

"That is sexy, when you were talkin' about in the car. I was just overwhelmed 'cause it was so hot."

"Make fun! I'm the only one trying to make a difference!"

"I was lookin' for a Teenage Girls Makin' Out, but wait a minute; I can use some tubing."

"A good wife always knows her place."

"Whatever damage BET didn't get done..."

"This is the soundtrack to the inside of a stroke or a coma. This is what goes on in your head."

"I decided to take my life a different route."

"Sounds like somebody slept with the wrong person."

"Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to this."

"Good morning. You're dumb!"

"Do you think I'm not gonna mind prison? I fuck dogs!"

"We'd appreciate it, ladies, if you tickled these twos guys' balls as you were doin' it."

"That's how Keith has sex. See that, kids?"

"We shoulda kissed your ass a little more."

"You start at the face, and then you negotiate."

"...with a joker smile and hot smelly-ass balls slapping against my body repeatedly."

"Fuck you, I quit!"

"TheSimpsonsMovie.com"

"Now I want to freeze your finish to see what the fuck it tastes like."

"Did you invite me out to not have a good time?"

"What the fuck, dude? That is gay. Of course your wife left you. That is stupid."

"Patrice is crazy bad-ass tonight. I'm gonna have nightmares."

"It is fuckin' torture to have shit in my brain that I can't share. I gotta fuckin' spill out every mother-fuckin' thing."

"You were so fat! What happened? You were so fat!"

"He's gonna do whatever I say."

"Why are you such a dick?"

"He knows he's the coolest, rockinest dude in town!"

www.KATG.com/live

"Oh my God. What the fuck? Your face changed!"

"AKA I loved it, and I busted three nuts."

"Spooky, did you hear yesterday's show? You can do whatever you want, dammit. You're an adult."

"We better stick together 'cause we're both fuckin' nuts."

"Damn, Keith, I already stomped on mine!"

"Black People: Do you love Cheez-Itz?"

"Do you have life insurance on Keith? I think he's about to have an aneurysm."

"It's 50 First Dates of your boy dyin'."

"Why are you talking? What are you responding to? My question is not done yet!"

"Would you just end this relationship now? Are you kidding me?"

"I've made a few queers in my day."

"12-year-olds. That's where the money's at."

"Don't nobody know nothin'."

"Why you taking it so seriously?"

"I do The Triple Finger. I do three fingers."

"What's goin' on, Pubeless Cock n' ballz?"

"Live free or die."

"Take the pie. All the pie you can get."

"Sorry, we smoked all $40."

"She didn't get fingered; she got eaten out. I remember Chemda said she came in like two minutes."

"It's a 30-minute drive to the airport, but at least we've got cum guzzling to talk about."

"If you believe in God, admit that He likes jokes."

"You guys play softball, don't you? You just come out and say what you feel. We call this show: I Hate This Guy."

"I can prove my record, Ricky Gervais!"

"No, I don't wanna be in your football thing! Now it's weird, isn't it? Now I'm the asshole!"

"I'm not the one handing out candy in a shit factory!"

"I bet you're not reading this."

"When you need to urinate, do it in this or you will die."

"But I haven't punched anybody in the face while they were sleeping, either. You've done a lot of things nobody else has done."

"Cadet, you got a lot of balls to say such filth to me. And yes I have my shirt."

"Look how he judges me so harsh."

"Stare at him. Stare at him. Don't help him. Why do you guys help these people out?"

"Each hour-long episode is podcast from New York and punctuated with several spit-semen-through-your-nose moments of hilarity."

"I'm aborting the baby."

"You're being used, and you know it. That's the saddest thing. You know it."

"What's a gayfer?"

"You're a goddamn podcast for 15 fuckin' minutes and you come on tellin' me what to do after 30 years of nonstop fuckin' whatever nonstop I been doin'!"

"Effing Jews."

"Today Bush addressed the NAACP and gave a speech to an entire audience of black people. At least that's what I'm told. I don't see color."

"Lemme tell you something Adam Curry: You better tell your boy to shut the fuck up. 'Cause he's making you guys look ridiculous."

"Will you stop interrupting me? It drives me crazy when I listen to the show and I hear you interrupt me. Left and fucking right!"

"I have never been so utterly blown away by the sad state of affairs when it comes to podcasters' RSS feeds."

"I just do it on Suck a Dick Wednesday. Bye!"

"America loves shit."

"And I liked that. 'Cause you don't get that in Jersey."

"Can you get premature ejaculation insurance for an extra $50?"

"You said you don't care about my country... Now you're saying fuck my grandfather..."

"Are you having a Keith Klux Klan moment?"

"If someone was touching you like that you would never date them."

"I'm trying to find closure!"

"I sat in my own shit for 45 minutes. It's so good!"

"We don't need to tell them about the leprechauns. That can be our story."

www.KATG.com/300

"Somerset, Pennsylvania: You anger me!"

"Look at the anger in her face. Look at Keith like that."

"You're not ready for the advanced course, baby. That's all."

"We wanted to thank you for helping us find the solution to a particularly frustrating issue. Smiley face."

"Why in God's name wouldn't you respond to those e-mails?"

"Don't be sorry, baby, be you!"

"I have a nervous tick. I jerk off at kids' parties."

"What the fuck are you laughin' at? You do this! News flash: That's what you do."

"I am too small of a man to look into the great mind of Brother Love."

"I hate that women use that as a weapon."

"I've heard or seen you do some evil shit. I would never wanna be on your bad side."

"New York: Tag. You're it."

"Nobody's allowed to ding this 'cause Brad needs his fuckin' letter told."

"When that epiphany happens then uh... just give us a call back..."

"Everything, I think, is a test."

"The shock, awe and horror on the faces of the audience..."

"Seriously though, nobody tell Satan."

"You were probably drawing with your vagina blood."

"NOOO! NO, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF STRESS!"

"Everyone's starting to be a little weird."

"He's wasting 15-year-old piss in a jar?"

"Seriously though, fuckin' reading books... If I can edit my book without reading it somehow, I would do it."

"We see everything scumbags do!"

"It's a thing chicks do. They don't know where they're at."

"It reminded me of the Exorcist, but dirtier"

"We are, honestly, I believe, the only radio station that would entertain a conversation like that."

"The innocence of a child..."

"DO THAT! DO THAT! DO ME THE FAVOR AND SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"I understand what is appropriate and what isn't."

"When you pee, now of course it stings, it hurts a little bit, maybe it lasts five minutes."

"Why you quizzin' me? I don't know."

"If you have an Asian loved one; Chinese, Japanese, or those other ones..."

"You got good ears for hate."

"I guess you consider that comedy."

"As soon as you left, I was thinkin' of all the possibilities."

"How do we like France today?"

"I got out how to help child molesters. My work is done."

"Whoever is the best fucker gets to make the most money."

"I like any story that starts with 'ass' and ends with 'fists'."

"You just read that it said not to do that!"

"I think I've explored the limits of my sexuality."

"I'm gonna be in the movies."

"You're right, I'm sorry, and help me."

"'Why your hands orange?' ''Cause I'm happy.'"

"How do you sleep tonight, Ticket Giver? Huh? Is that what your family thought you'd be doing, Ticket Giver?"

"I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not good at juggling balls. Chainsaws? Very good."

"You know what bothers me about gays? They ruined the word 'faggot'."

"They're all gonna choke you when you get there."

"The only thing I like better than doin' a crossword is just stompin' on some faggot's balls."

"Call me a cunt. Put it in my ass. I'm a slut."

"Whether I misunderstood you or not, we're gonna send you a warning."

"I'm your guest. Treat me nice."

"I was peeing blood. And not just reddish-color. I mean actual blood."

"I'm ready to close that right on your bug eyes."

"Give it over to the daddy. Daddy will know what to do better than you."

"Suck your own monster cock since it's so gigantic."

"So then you lied to us, didn't you, you little cunt bitch?"

"She has to remind me that I need clothes."

"And I'm totally opposed to this 'cause it's so wrong..."

"If his mother catches him, we're goin' to jail."

"I gave Balls a couple naked pictures of Hari."

"Keith, your cock was cheated."

"The day after that I bought a butt plug."

"Don't make me laugh at this."

"They're ruinin' my good name."

"Today is a very special night. It's a magical night."

"You shouldn't put that much technology in your vagina."

"You can open it up and you got a dick in your face, absolutely."

"I'm not Muslim, but I'm on their side."

"Big gay balls to you."

"This tastes like I got a cut on my knee."

"The ignorance astounds me."

"I'll make them be gay. I'm just tryin' to pee."

"If we can redo the laws: Kill him."

"They all know their place."

"I can't believe I get that look from you."

"Sandra, it is Suck a Dick Wednesday. I'ma see ya tonight. What are we gonna do?"

"Don't fuckin' embarrass me like that."

"You guys don't have viruses because nobody fuckin' cares about you."

"Jesus is my sober. Fuck you!"

"You know what I'm doing. Is this funny? This is - this is funny. You know what I'm doin'! You know I'm doin' everythin' right!"

"Get away from the door, niggaaa."

"I can't try harder 'cause there's something in my crotch."

"I was about to say, 'DEUCE DEUCE', but are we saying that anymore?"

"I'm fancy as fuck."

"The Fag Community got us again."

"Thank you for your quality letter, Sick Fuck."

"I'll tell you what: Somebody will owe somebody an apology tomorrow."

"Does your girlfriend ever do that, guys?"

"You know you're just my friend. Right?"

"This whole world doesn't make sense! I gave Keith beer!"

"I can calm down, and I can get my crazy in order."

"Save it for the show."

"Why am I even thinkin' about this? Fuck you!"

"And the dick looks surprisingly like your dick."

"The first killing is always awkward."

"I need the sick stuff."

"This is what your kids are watching, by the way."

"It's not my fault, but it definitely wasn't right."

"Fattest Nation in the World say, 'What?'"

"Who you callin' boyfriend? We're not fuckin'."

"Cock blood does taste the worst."

"Oh, we got another cripple! I'll take it..."

"I devote entire days to blowing you. Wednesday. Heard of it much?"

"Good mornin', everybody. We're drinkin' at Malley's Neighborhood Pub."

"Please stop saying stuff like this! Please! Do you see the record button is on?"

"I seriously think I might shit my pants this episode."

"Deuce is out; Spooky's in."

"All of a sudden the ATF makes sense."

"Do you know what dead mouse smells like?"

"You fuckin' bitch. Don't even mention that. Don't even say that."

"Stick somethin' in your asshole. Who's gonna know?"

"So, 1 to 10: How gay are you?"

"Oh my God. I didn't know you people really looked like that."

"We gave bandanas to all the Indians when we gave them AIDS."

"I'm Douchebag Wiggle."

"What the fuck show you listenin' to?"

"If somebody can do it, chances are I can do it."

"Nobody knows you better than you."

"When did we become homeless?"

"I can't even explain it. You'll see. You'll see..."

"Good to talk to you before we all die."

"Crazy. White. People."

"All of this. Everything I see in this building is my skill."

"If you're Batman or you're trying to get blowjobs, you can wear those shirts."

"Apologies don't last forever, Honey. You got your fuckin' apology."

"Don't make babies with scalawags."

"That's the thing with lesbians; they got so much goin' for 'em, but they don't fuck dudes."

"Well the robot didn't show up. We're not at Stage 3 of HUAR yet."

"Hey all you assholes, come and listen to us. It's the Keith and The Girl show."

âIn come the real-titted, girls, you know? Itâs like we got the lunch bitches.â

"It only takes one misunderstanding."

"I'm lookin' for two stick figures. One of 'em's always drinkin' I guess."

"You know you really have to work hard, and you have to give 'em UH! UH! UH!"

"No-no, I think you can be a normal person. No-no, let's keep tryin'."

"You were just saying 'what an asshole' so Stephanie can pee in her pants."

"That wasn't the bet! The bet was: Can I drink on antibiotics? And I won!"

"So what's your problem with me, Chief?"

"I don't understand why it doesn't smell like shit and piss. '311?'"

"If I were a doctor, I might go in and scalpel some bullshit."

"Why don't you just take out your balls? 'Where is Bally?' 'Here I am.'"

"I quickly get rid of it 'cause I feel like the government's on the other end."

"I couldn't think of a phrase or something that would be on Wheel of Fortune that doesn't have a curse word in it."

"Easy, Dane Cook. You're still pretty."

"Good for you you got fat."

"You're tryin' to say 'I love you' in a nice fuckin' way!"

"The human body will shake, so you're gonna need a tripod."

"How many times do I have to lie to you? Once!"

"If the husband doesn't get home in time, there's gonna be a quickie."

"I know those little sensitive kids can't kick my ass. That is the difference."

"My vagina hurts as you're saying this."

"And really, me saying nigger is wrong; 'cause when I think it, I mean it. I don't mean it with a 'a', I mean it with a 'e-r'."

"How'd ya know? I was on cocaine. I forgot to mention that."

"She loves to slice wrists. You would think she's perfect."

"Crawling under barbed wire through mud: Looks cool; not really fun."

"You are listening right now! You have herpes! I know it!"

"I can't make up my mind about Dane Cook. So my question is: 'Doug Stanhope; do we like Dane Cook?'"

"So that's 40 percent of the people thought I was an asshole."

"You can run back with your dick in your hand and press 'ALL IN'."

"Thank you for making me understand the definition of beauty."

"I bet you still gotta use bigger and bigger vibrators until finally you need a jackhammer."

"I just decided it was bullshit and washed it out of my brain."

"1 in 4 Africans has AIDS. And there's 5 of them in the tent."

"Why aren't you drinkin'?"

"We're broken up. Unless you guys write enough so that we should care."

"This is the biggest fuckin' thing, these iPods."

"If we can't kill people for being weirdos, then we have to help them!"

"Hunt 'em fast; kill 'em slow."

"Our fans may be good-looking; they're not the best storytellers."

"I look at Abraham Lincoln in a picture or somethin', first thing I think of is that heÃ??s black."

"This Friday, for the poker game, we're letting in gay people."

"I'd like a fuckin' wraparound couch, dickhead."

"The big entertainment of the whole thing: Comedy Hypnosis Show."

"Hey you're on Keith and The Girl. How much do you weigh?"

"If you pay your taxes and be-the-fuck-have, you may stay."

"You're pulling on it! I'm not wearing some kinda new sexy pants, but I gotta keep pulling on my dick!"

"That's offensive to balls!"

"I always walk behind you and go, 'That was a joke. And he's just funny.'"

"Who gets up this early? Honestly."

"Dice is an Angel of God."

"Abracadabra; all that shit."

"That is not our policy to call you a bitch dog."

"If it's more than five dollars, it's pretentious."

"How do we get gotten on such a dumb fuckin' thing?"

"Go 'head, Keith. Get your balls back."

"Why would they want, Andrea? That is correct. Why would they want? How could that help us in any way? It can't! It can't help us in any way!"

"Remember when you snooped through their shit? Well, they're snoopin' through your shit! Hide the sex toys!"

"If you're gonna lose your house to some game: FullTiltPoker.com."

"I have simulated herpes."

"Old enough that I should've said, 'Stop pulling my dick.'"

"I wish we could say more. I can't wait until the day when we go, 'You know what? We don't need friends.' That is gonna be a good show."

"Oh that's so funny that you mentioned it cause it's the first time that I brought beer and that's when we mentioned it."

"When I do post, I type it in Notepad first so I don't click 'send' by accident and get my ass handed to me."

"So what about me? Lick a Twat Tuesday."

"God sounds like Fat Jani Lane."

"Speaking of drugs, this is part of Clown Monday..."

"Mark, you have the biggest balls..."

"Can't one person shake me, the other person yell BOO!, and then take a hundred dollars? Then I have the rest of my day free."

"I will probably not listen to your show again - DAMMIT! - based on your ignorance and insensitivity regarding BLANK."

"I'm being sabotaged at home."

"Just real fast: cockandballs. It's fun."

"Every word you said in English was a polite word. It's like Hebrew didn't have nice words."

"And I'm just disappointed, like I didn't get to show my sister a freak, you know?"

"I'm no longer watching. You're gonna have to tell me what's happening."

"...and Ron Weasley fucks the chick in the ass."

"Way to take a stand on something, French."

"Was she like: 'Whoa, it just came to me. That's fuckin' gross. I will not do it again. I just realized what I was doing.'"

"I'm all for making people cry."

"Womenfolk are gone, bitches. 2. 3. 4."

"Congratulations to Amy Miller, you fuckin' hog."

"Yes, absolutely. I would punch a woman."

"If all I did was swim, and I didn't have to do anything else, I think I could win a gold."

"'Do you know how to make a flower?' They saw me making flowers all day. 'No.' 'Yes you do!' 'Then why are you asking?'"

"Sometimes I'll find something on the ground, and I'm not sure what it is, so I'll put it in my mouth to figure it out. Sometimes it's not food, but it usually is food."

"God bless white people!"

"When you are at work drunk IMing your mom: 'I'm just jerkin' off. What are you doin'?'"

"I went to my wife's job... I cursed out all the managers..."

"Dennis wants to see no harm done to kids? It's Clown Monday."

"You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

"Well, we were talking about being humped as children..."

"Fuck you you fuckin' fuck."

"And I'm not some weirdo wiping my dickhead with my hand."

"I'm gonna put this Rest In Peace on blast, son."

"And granted I'm not a little boy, you know? 18. And some cultures consider that being a man."

"This guy just wouldnât fuckinâ come! You know what? Shit like this makes me wanna go back to the dungeon!"

"At first, naturally, I just wanna look at her tits. But then, it's like, mmmmm, I'm allowed to read somethin'."

"Now say that I'm smart. I'll blow you; you say I'm smart."

"No big deal. No big whoop. I just made, a big 'ol poop."

"But if you're 10-years-old this is a way to get felt up by an adult."

"I can't keep it to myself: Jimmy Fallen sucks."

"I lost my train of thought. Who cares? Another Vicodin?"

"They had the American flag in their poster and everything, you assholes! The flying eagle... I trust that eagle, sir!"

"I should have washed her vag."

"Three ways to tell fatties they're grotesque without getting them upset."

"She fuckin' is a designer cause she graduated from NYU or whatever the hell... Please. Learn to suck a cock. Did you live in a dorm?"

"It must be awesome to be black in this country."

"The fat guy trips, and I'm like, 'I think he's dead. Dig in.'"

"Yeah, that's somethin' you should say. Or: jump out the fuckin' window. And I opted for the window. And: that was smarter; cause then I'm in the emergency room and I don't gotta deal with this."

"Shut the fuck up, and fuck a woman!"

"It's not like you finish and your nipples are bleeding; you're like that was some good sex. You ran for that!"

"Do you have the sex sheet? I can't find it. I would hate to ruin another good sheet."

"Did you put the chair down on her foot? Alright, quit ruinin' my story."

"That's not weird. Continue. Continue, please. She makes everything a big deal."

"Just shoot me in the face. What shoes does she wear? Ohhhh..."

"I turned him upside down, and Elmo stuffed him in a garbage."

"She's gonna root for the parapelegics of the world, and I'm goin' for the human beings."

"Black women are the worst. And I've had 'em all!"

"This is a momentum of why you hate your mom."

"Well quit lookin' in temples fuckin' Satan."

"When did you become retarded?"

"Stop yawning into the mike, please. Jesus Christ! A little subtlety, thank you."

"I'm just upset that I wasn't invited."

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!

"I think in eating out the stripper: you both lost."

"Girls don't know that. That happens sometimes."

NO QUOTE TODAY. WHO CARES?

"'Oh he thinks we're fuckin' playin'.' And they take the gun and they point it at my legs."

"I think this is a set-up and that's your wife and you're gonna punch me in the face."

"I like men now. I am gay."

"Look at Patrice's face. She can't take it."

"This Keith is a genius, and his speech impediment just emphasizes his wit and ageless wisdom!"

"Okay, now say something nice about my vagina."

"We were undercover cops like 21 Jump Street."

"You were just quiet cause you were so mad that all that alcohol was gone."

"Cheese is on twelve when you're high."

"Are you gonna sing Amazing Grace? You're on the air right now, and we're tryin' to find the next singer."

"Hey, who wants to blow my boyfriend? Wooo!"

"Make it stop. I'm gonna hit my head against the wall. Just punch me."

"I like it. No, it's awesome. It's like putting the Transformers Autobon face on your chest."

"Victor, you're a black albino. You're God's little special project. You're special."

"You were gone! You said you were gone!"

"I wanna get it in there before she changes her mind."

"You get arrested and you're on COPS, your first call should be to an agent."

"Thank you, Maria. And good luck to you. I know you believe in Hell."

"Computers are made out of ones and zeros. Throw a fuckin' two in there!"

"I had a roommate, One-Eyed Davis, that I caught stealin' money from me, and, so I pissed all over his - in all his drawers, and I poured bleach on all the clothes hangin' up. That was me, Davis! I did that!"

"Dick! I was watchin' that! Why don't you just go in my house and change the fuckin' channel?"

"So he was #1 and gets The Pope dying. I think that's fair, if I get this guy: One of the greatest comics, Mitch Hedberg, is dead."

"They don't even know why they're on! Well fuck you, you're getting off."

"CNN just reported Terri Shiavo, 41-years old, is dead. So uhh... sorry about all those jokes. Alright, lookin' at, uh, the Amityville murders..."

"He's the one that edited this and put it together. So when you're seeing this guy fuck dog-style and then he turns the phone to his fat head: He did that!"

"Granted I didn't read it, so that could be your argument to argue with me, but I know it fuckin' sucked."

"If Christ is real, in about a week to a week and a half, we will be in the Top 10."

"Some of these are just like joke commandments - just to make sure you're listening."

"Whitney Houston is in rehab. Just sliced a bitch. Yeah, in the throat. In the shower."

"Fuck it! Tonight: hookers, drugs, you, my girlfriend Betsy, eatin' pussy, suckin' dick, lickin' tits... Eatin' pussy..."

"I've decided to take action by checking myself into an intensive recovery program. Overcoming this problem is a top priority in my life now that my shit's all over the Internet."

"I hate that fuckin' bitch of a wife that I have, and I hope that she burns in Hell..."

"It's gonna take a hell of a work to get that shit outta your foot."

"I masturbated to all these people! Who's next?"

"And then suddenly I wake up, and I'm on a plane to the Dominican Republic."

"I believe assholes are born not raised."

"Everybody's gotta act like a fuckin' adult!"

"Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm a - I'm a jerkoff. It's pleased to meet you. Please don't call me Jeffrey. That's what my mom calls me when I'm trying to podcast in her basement."